If I had it my way...

I would study abroad for a couple of months. I would like to study in Europe. I really don't have any preference about the subject. It could be a foreign language, biology, psychology, art, etc. I'm sure I wouldn't really mind...I would be in Europe.

I would like to do an internship at Disney World. I know that their internships are usually business-related, but I don't care. Disney World is one of my favorite places on Earth and I would absolutely love to be there twenty-four hours a day for a while. No joke. I do not think I'd ever get sick of it.

I would still like to do an internship in Washington, D.C. Politics and politicians usually discourage me, but I would still like to get more of an inside look at issues and get an insight to how our country actually works.

I would like to read all of the books on my bookshelf. I would like to have a Netflix account and watch weird movies all the time. I want a cute apartment that's decorated exactly how I'd like it. I want a bunch of cookbooks, nice cookware, and a place to buy exotic ingredients. I wish my dog would be calm and sweet and well-behaved, and that I could afford another dog that acted the same way.

Wishes.

I wish that life were a little bit easier. I know, I know. It never will be. Why wish? Well...it feels good to escape sometimes.

I wish that, in general, it were easier for people to get along. And I definitely include myself among the aforementioned "people." In general, it is hard for me to really like people. I can tolerate many of them (barely), but I choose not to be friends with the vast majority of people that I meet. It's honestly very saddening to me. For so long, I have thought that most people in the world just don't "get it" like my friends and I do. Many times, I thought these people had nothing to offer me intellectually or socially. God. I know I sound so awful and egotistical right now, but I'm really not. I think that most people do have something to offer another person/people...but I'm either too lazy or too scared to pursue those things in the form of a new friend. First of all, I think that sometimes I may just be too wrapped up in my own life to pursue a new friendship...I have a pet, a job, school, extracurricular activities, a boyfriend, friends, medical schools to apply to, etc. I suppose I sometimes feel that I already don't keep up with the friends I have well enough to pursue new friendships. Crazy, huh?

Also, I feel that I've been burned too many times when trying to reach out to other people or start a new friendship. Let's face it. I often say the wrong thing, I have different beliefs than many people in the South, I'm awkward, I know that I give off a "weirdo" vibe at times. It's just not terribly easy for me to make friends...but I have genuinely tried to before. However, many people just don't gravitate to me. They seem uneasy around me, and are sometimes just downright rude to me. That can really hurt sometimes. It's just strange to me. The people that I meet that I do click with...our friendship feels very easy and natural quickly. It's also such a random occurrence. I never know who it will be or why it happens...it doesn't happen much, but when it does, it's a pretty cool feeling. This has happened to me with people who are polar opposites of me and people who are just like me...I just wish it would happen more often.

And I suppose some people really do love conflict...but I don't. I really, really don't. I don't have any issues with confrontations, usually, because I feel that unresolved tensions feel worse than solving the conflict itself. However, I just wish that I were a more neutral person. I would be perfectly fine if I only had a few close friends and everyone else just simply didn't have a problem with me...if I could just be. But it's not that way. Being myself is more important to me than having everyone like me...but come on. When you know someone dislikes you, it hurts! It hurts me, anyway. I could think of several reasons someone might dislike me...my opinions, some random action I've committed in my life that I never knew hurt someone, some random action I've committed in my life that I knew would hurt someone, someone I associate with that someone else doesn't like, my disposition/nature. I would say that I don't know why we can't just all get along and accept everything about everyone, but that would be hypocritical of me, since I know that I often have problems with other people, as well. I just wish it weren't so. I wish that some of the closest friendships in my life hadn't ended in vicious feuds that eventually faded to simmering, tension-filled cold wars. I wish that I didn't make so many people angry. Maybe if all that hadn't happened, I would be more open to friendships. But it's scary sometimes to think that could happen to me again...that I could be hurt so badly by a friend that I thought loved me...I know I've hurt people, too, though. I wish I were easier to get along with, but I wish other people were, too.

I often say that most people in the world who everyone seems to like must be fake. I really do believe that...we're just all so different. I just don't see how someone who is universally liked can be such a way unless they conform to the people they're with at the moment for the sake of being more universally liked...or is there really a type of person no one can hate? If so, what characteristics would that person have to possess? Hmmm. I guess it's something I could think about.

Yeah, yeah. I think everyone gets the gist that I wish I weren't such a tool sometimes, had more friends, never had conflicts, blah, blah, blah...but what about the friends I do have? We're all growing up and moving further and further away from each other and it's scary. One of my best friends is about to move to Kentucky, one is getting married...but I'm least I'll still be living with another best friend next year. Some best friends I wish I kept in touch with more, and wrote them letters on pretty stationery. I wish I had enough money and time to visit my friends in other towns. I wish I could have dinner with them, talk to them about their life, just hang out with them.

Sigh. I feel a little better. Maybe some things will actually get better now. You never know.

Too short.

I finally finished reading Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist today! I started on it months ago, but I never got around to finishing it. I really enjoyed it. Sure, some of it was a bit too...much, but I still found it a captivating read. And when I say it was a bit too much, I mean that in the way that I meant it when I watched Juno for the first time: I loved the movie, but when Olivia Thirlby's character said, "Honest to blog?!" I seriously wanted to hurl. But I thought Nick and Norah was an amusing, light-hearted (well, for teens that take themselves so very seriously) escapist read, so yes, I do recommend it!

It's funny that I'm so proud of myself for finishing a book, something I used to have no problem doing many times a year. Now, I keep myself so busy "trying science" that I feel that I never have time to focus on any other areas, like reading, writing, learning about history and psychology, etc. I feel like my old talents in those areas may be slipping away from me in pursuit of medical school, and I don't like it. Maybe I'll find some way to achieve more balance.

However, at the moment, I need to get ready for work so I can be an awesome sandwich cashier and save up money to pay my bills, pay off my debt, and finally buy an acoustic guitar and some saffron.

Veils

I know this may seem a bit strange that I'm saying this via blog, but I find it quite funny that some people feel so powerful behind a screen of anonymity (an pre-medical internet forum) that they use various thread postings to act tough, knowledgable, and condescending...and I would love to meet some of these people, just to see if they really are such tools in all aspects of life or if it is just an identity they've created that more closely resembles the truly confident person they wish they were.

I'm thinking the latter.

I'm looking forward to medical school, but not looking forward to meeting some of the people that are going be there. Some of the people on that site (which I still love and visit every day) are the most neurotic, rude, unpersonable, and just plain STRANGE people I have ever seen.

Anyway. I spent two hours as a sandwich artist tonight. Hope the customers enjoyed them! I go back to work on Wednesday.

Bulldog Deli

I'm about to go to work in thirty minutes. Starting a new job is such a strange experience. Everything starts out so new and fresh, but now that I've had so many jobs in such a short lifetime, the dread that comes along with going to work starts earlier. I used to be excited to show up for my first day of work. I would dress nicely and get there early. Today, I have on my required employee T-shirt and jeans. I fixed my hair, but I know I have to pull it into a ponytail anyway because I'm working in the kitchen tonight. I train for the cash register/server position later.

I think I will like working in the kitchen, though. Less time spent dealing with unruly customers. And I actually enjoy cooking! It's therapeutic to me. I especially love to make food look pretty. Maybe I will spend more time being in the kitchen than being a server. I LOVE the food, too. I usually get addicted to the food at any place I work, though. TCBY, Shoney's, Spencer's, Barnes & Noble, etc. Never fails!

I tried unsuccessfully to study for the MCAT today, too, but I can't think today! Maybe in a few weeks I can start studying for it. I have an organic chemistry test tomorrow, so right after work, I'm going to a study group for that. The rest of the week will be spent studying for physics and literature tests next week. Why am I studying now? Because my birthday is this weekend and I don't want to spend it studying! :)

Gotta go make that money now. Think of me and mentally wish me some luck!

Changes.

Wow! Life is so different today than the last time I updated. I am completing my last "real" semester at the moment, and I will be graduating in May. However, I still have both sessions of summer school and one or two classes in the fall to tackle. Academically, it's going to be a long year. However, I'm so much more prepared for it now than I have been in the past.

I have found that I have had to COMPLETELY change the way I learn now that I take mostly science courses. I have always taken large amounts of history, literature, psychology, sociology, and other humanity and social-science courses, but until deciding on medical school, I avoided science courses. When I studied for and completed assignments for the humanities classes, I had a certain routine to follow. While I wouldn't say that all of my humanities classes were just SO easy, the knowledge came naturally to me and I thought much more abstractly. Unfortunately, I carried that thinking pattern into my science courses, and I did poorly in some of them. However, even while doing poorly in those classes in terms of grades, I learned how to think about science and how to study for it! I learned what I did wrong and now I think I'm doing it right. I have studied hours for my upcoming organic chemistry test on Tuesday, and I feel confident in the material. I no longer procrastinate NEARLY as much because I know how miserable it makes me and how much it affects my grades. I actually practice problems and write questions down now. I am shooting for a 4.0 this semester. I owe it to myself.

Speaking of grades, I am applying to medical school this year for the fall of 2010. My top choices are William Carey University College of Medicine (Hattiesburg, MS), UMC (Jackson, MS), Lake Erie College of Medicine (Bradenton, FL), and Lincoln Memorial University - Debusk College of Medicine (Harrogate, TN), but I am applying to more than that. I am taking the MCAT in the fall, and I hope to have a full-time job then and take at least one more science class. I will also be living with one of my very best friends (Katie!)...one of my very best friends and current roommate (Megan) is getting married and will be moving a few miles away this year with her husband! She has asked me to be one of her maids of honor, and I am so thrilled! I love her and I love weddings =) One of our other friends is also getting married on Valentine's Day.

I will also be starting a new job tomorrow at a local sandwich shop in town. I hope I like it! I don't want to fall behind on all of my schoolwork, but I really need this job. I hope I can balance everything.

Anyway, sorry for not updating in forever and having to rush to fill everyone in. I hope to update this more frequently so I can share more details about everything. Also, I turn 22 on Saturday. Kyle and I are having dinner with both sides of my family throughout the weekend AND he's taking me to...The Melting Pot! My favorite restaurant! I will be sure to write soon, as I think it will be a great weekend.

Cake!

Ok...I realize it has been a bit too long since my last entry. I have several topics to update everyone on...so I'll just devote this entry entirely to my newest venture: cake decorating. Other news in another entry.

Ugh. I wish I had uploaded pictures of my first cake! I also wish that I knew how to change the settings on my camera so my pictures would be smaller and would take less time to download onto my computer. I want a Nikon D40. ANYWAY.

During the first cake decorating class, we didn't do any decorating of our own. We watched the instructor do some basic things and she gave us some pretty helpful tips. She told us that we should go home and practice making our own cake using the things she'd taught us. So, my mom helps me buy a lot of new supplies for the class, as I was pretty lacking in kitchen essentials (especially ones that have to do with cake making/decorating.) The Sunday before my class started, I was very confident that I could do what I was asked to do...I mean, I love baking! What could go wrong?

My first step was to make a big batch of "Pan Paint," a mixture of Crisco, oil, and flour that we're supposed to coat our cake pans with to prevent sticking. I'm using the old stand-up mixer my mom gave me, which I'm not very familiar with, and it slings flour all over my counter. Nice. I finally get the stuff mixed and proceed to pour it into a plastic container with no problem. Then I somehow knock the container over and at least half of this greasy stuff pours onto my counter, cabinets, and floor. I fall apart for a second, but then use about half of a bottle of 409 and probably a quarter of a roll of paper towels and finally get the stuff up. The cabinets don't feel slimy anymore, but there is a nice sheen to them and my dog still occasionally licks them. I guess he's a fan of Crisco.

Next, I start mixing up some red velvet batter. Everything is going fine, it seems...I follow my recipe guide and pour five and half cups of batter into my pan and put it in the oven. I check on it fifteen minutes later...the cake is overflowing and dripping onto the oven racks. I realize that I put too much batter in, but do not yet attribute this to the fact that I've bought the wrong size pan. Wow. I salvage the rest of the cake batter by making one more regular cake, then some cupcakes.

I then try the homemade buttercream icing recipe...a snowstorm of confectioner's sugar forms when I'm mixing it, coating every kitchen appliance we have with it, and then I add too much water to the icing. I try to spread it on the new red velvet cake. It's too runny. It tastes good, but it's not thick enough to spread. I mentally note to try to fix this later.

Next, I start on some golden butter cake. I still do not realize I have the wrong size pan. I mix up the batter, fill the pan halfway up, bake the cake...I take it out to cool and realize it's not perfectly flat like my instructor's cake. NOW I realize my pan is the wrong size. Time to make more cupcakes.

I go back to the icing. I add more butter and Crisco to try and thicken up the icing. It thickens up. I am happy. I try to spread it on the butter cake, even though it has a crater in the middle of it...the icing is STILL too thin. I have two good cakes with good icing, lots of cupcakes, and I can't use any of it for my class the next day. I help myself to some of the cake and then give the rest of it away. I tell myself that everything will be better the next day.

The next day, I make more icing and I do everything right this time. YAY! I buy some pans (the right size) and some devil's food cake mix. I go home to make the cake...the batter is delicious and I have the correct pans. I put five and half cups of batter in the pan and start to bake the cake. Fifteen minutes later...STILL too much batter! Another overflow. The stupid recipe guide is WRONG. I try again. I take the new cake out of the oven, it's beautiful, I'm in awe...I put it on the cooling rack and it falls apart because I forgot the Pan Paint! Small breakdown on my part. I then make a classic white cake, let it cool, and ice it. All before my class starts.

I finally get to my class. No one knows what I have suffered to make this poor cake. I learn how to write on a cake, make decorative borders, make trees, leaves, bird nests, and pumpkins. I finally have a pretty cake.

Tomorrow, I am to show up with a two-layer round cake and be prepared to learn the basketweave technique. I have the cake baked, it is intact, and I have some icing. I hope that I don't have anything interesting to tell you about my cake experiences this week.

All of this from someone who thought she was a pretty good baker and was also a pretty big fan of cake...until now.