Cake!

Ok...I realize it has been a bit too long since my last entry. I have several topics to update everyone on...so I'll just devote this entry entirely to my newest venture: cake decorating. Other news in another entry.

Ugh. I wish I had uploaded pictures of my first cake! I also wish that I knew how to change the settings on my camera so my pictures would be smaller and would take less time to download onto my computer. I want a Nikon D40. ANYWAY.

During the first cake decorating class, we didn't do any decorating of our own. We watched the instructor do some basic things and she gave us some pretty helpful tips. She told us that we should go home and practice making our own cake using the things she'd taught us. So, my mom helps me buy a lot of new supplies for the class, as I was pretty lacking in kitchen essentials (especially ones that have to do with cake making/decorating.) The Sunday before my class started, I was very confident that I could do what I was asked to do...I mean, I love baking! What could go wrong?

My first step was to make a big batch of "Pan Paint," a mixture of Crisco, oil, and flour that we're supposed to coat our cake pans with to prevent sticking. I'm using the old stand-up mixer my mom gave me, which I'm not very familiar with, and it slings flour all over my counter. Nice. I finally get the stuff mixed and proceed to pour it into a plastic container with no problem. Then I somehow knock the container over and at least half of this greasy stuff pours onto my counter, cabinets, and floor. I fall apart for a second, but then use about half of a bottle of 409 and probably a quarter of a roll of paper towels and finally get the stuff up. The cabinets don't feel slimy anymore, but there is a nice sheen to them and my dog still occasionally licks them. I guess he's a fan of Crisco.

Next, I start mixing up some red velvet batter. Everything is going fine, it seems...I follow my recipe guide and pour five and half cups of batter into my pan and put it in the oven. I check on it fifteen minutes later...the cake is overflowing and dripping onto the oven racks. I realize that I put too much batter in, but do not yet attribute this to the fact that I've bought the wrong size pan. Wow. I salvage the rest of the cake batter by making one more regular cake, then some cupcakes.

I then try the homemade buttercream icing recipe...a snowstorm of confectioner's sugar forms when I'm mixing it, coating every kitchen appliance we have with it, and then I add too much water to the icing. I try to spread it on the new red velvet cake. It's too runny. It tastes good, but it's not thick enough to spread. I mentally note to try to fix this later.

Next, I start on some golden butter cake. I still do not realize I have the wrong size pan. I mix up the batter, fill the pan halfway up, bake the cake...I take it out to cool and realize it's not perfectly flat like my instructor's cake. NOW I realize my pan is the wrong size. Time to make more cupcakes.

I go back to the icing. I add more butter and Crisco to try and thicken up the icing. It thickens up. I am happy. I try to spread it on the butter cake, even though it has a crater in the middle of it...the icing is STILL too thin. I have two good cakes with good icing, lots of cupcakes, and I can't use any of it for my class the next day. I help myself to some of the cake and then give the rest of it away. I tell myself that everything will be better the next day.

The next day, I make more icing and I do everything right this time. YAY! I buy some pans (the right size) and some devil's food cake mix. I go home to make the cake...the batter is delicious and I have the correct pans. I put five and half cups of batter in the pan and start to bake the cake. Fifteen minutes later...STILL too much batter! Another overflow. The stupid recipe guide is WRONG. I try again. I take the new cake out of the oven, it's beautiful, I'm in awe...I put it on the cooling rack and it falls apart because I forgot the Pan Paint! Small breakdown on my part. I then make a classic white cake, let it cool, and ice it. All before my class starts.

I finally get to my class. No one knows what I have suffered to make this poor cake. I learn how to write on a cake, make decorative borders, make trees, leaves, bird nests, and pumpkins. I finally have a pretty cake.

Tomorrow, I am to show up with a two-layer round cake and be prepared to learn the basketweave technique. I have the cake baked, it is intact, and I have some icing. I hope that I don't have anything interesting to tell you about my cake experiences this week.

All of this from someone who thought she was a pretty good baker and was also a pretty big fan of cake...until now.

Apologies.

Wow. I haven't written in this in a while. That's probably why I'm writing now...guilt. Ha. Well, I do enjoy writing, though. I suppose I could say I just haven't had the time to write, which is partly true...however, I'm mainly having trouble to figure out what to write about now that I don't have a particular subject in mind (such as physician shadowing.)

When I was in high school, I didn't really have any qualms about writing in my online journal about the people in my life or the things they did or the things I did. But now...I feel like it would cause so much drama. I know that I should have just started this blog anonymously and never showed it to any of my friends, but I really wanted everyone to know what was going on...at least for that month. And I don't really want to be some nameless, faceless person writing for strangers. I enjoy writing for my friends. However...the stuff I enjoy writing about (the personal stuff) is too murky at the moment to share online. So...where to begin? I suppose I could just give a general overview of some surface things, no matter how boring that may be.

I've started school again. I'm taking Organic Chemistry I, General Physics I, Microbiology, and Introduction to Religion (which happens to be one of the last TWO classes I need to graduate. Yay!) I'm finding it hard to motivate myself for various reasons. I never get enough sleep. I find every other little thing to do instead of completely devoting myself to these terrible, terrible classes. So far, Organic Chemistry is my hardest class, of course. But I have a class at eight EVERY morning, which sucks. I'm also still working in the forensic lab as a research assistant, working at Barnes and Noble, still in Alumni Delegates, and I'm going to be taking a cake decorating class every Monday for maybe eight weeks. I know that I want to be a physician, but at the moment, I wish I was just done with school. I find myself wishing for a job that I could somewhat enjoy during the day, but come home and forget about at night. I wish that some time was just...mine. That I didn't always feel guilty about something I wasn't doing. And I just wish I had money for some fun things...like traveling. I haven't gone anywhere fun in a while, and it's been too long since I've gotten a new pair of shoes. Sigh. Don't judge me!

I am ready to be gone next year...hopefully to Memphis. But I still wish that my last year here could be a good one. I wish that I could make it something special. But I just don't have a lot of friends here anymore, and the ones I do have are very busy, too. We're all busy. But I'm just too shy/jaded to really try and make a lot of new friends. I just want a few fun friends that I can count on. I already have some. I know I'm actually very lucky to have the people in my life that are there. I just don't ever want to be fake just to try and appeal to everyone. I find that MOST people who everyone seems to like can be pretty fake and change their personality to fit the person they're talking to. I can't do that. Although, I suppose some people make me FEEL a certain way and I may act differently based on that...but doesn't everyone do that?

I just want to be the person that I am...or could be? I want to go out and have a good time, but money/time restraints hold me down sometimes. Or the fact that I can be shy. I want to spend time on things I like to do, but I don't have the greatest time management skills and I never get around to things. I want to meet new people, but we've already discussed this.

I just want to be better. For the past four months, I have gradually worked my way up to being...just OK. Now, I'm ready to be happy again.

Replacements.

I am trying to push the anger, hurt, and sadness out of my life by bringing new life into the world...plants! I planted rosemary, basil, parsley, and double-pink hydrangea today. They are all sitting by my front steps now. Yay! I am now a gardener.
Whenever my herbs sprout, I am going to use them in some yummy food. Feel free to come over then!
I am currently taking Chemistry II and the lab that goes with it. It's a sad experience. I have a nice lab partner and I seem to understand the material in class, but when I get home, it's hard to concentrate and figure out problems. I'm really having to work on my study habits. Oh, well. If I don't improve them now, I'll never make it in medical school!
I'm trying to live my life for me and make myself happy without relying on others. It's hard, but I'm doing my best.

Here we go.

I have not updated in a while and for this, I apologize and will try to keep this entry focused on interesting events.

I will pick up where I left off...LAST Monday. That day, I spent a half-day in ophthalmology. You can probably imagine what that was like...eyeglass prescriptions, glaucoma patients, candidates for cataract surgery. It was not too terribly thrilling, but the doctor I was with was very nice and told me that ophthalmologists have a great lifestyle. After I got done there, my dad and stepmother took me out to eat.

Tuesday, I shadowed a pediatrician. That was actually interesting. I saw a lot of sick kids, obviously. But I also got to see some babies getting check-ups and vaccinations and regular things like that, and I loved being around the babies. They just made me feel happy. I saw so many young mothers, though. Several of them were still in high school and just seemed so lost. The doctor had to be really patient with them, and also with several of the parents I saw who spoke no English or very broken English. If I took anything away from the day, it's that children are a LOT of work. They have to come for check-ups very often when they're little, get all of their vaccinations, buy all of these specific medicines and products, etc. And there are all of these little tips the doctor would give out, like putting Karo syrup in a baby's milk bottle. I was thinking, "People are supposed to know this stuff?!" Funny story: an older boy (probably about 11) came in with his mom with pretty normal complaints of a sore throat, coughing, etc. The doctor asked if they'd been in the water recently, and the mother said, "Yes, my boyfriend took us to the beach on vacation last week," and the little boy immediately says, "I thought you said he was your husband!" And the mother tries to stay composed, but just sputters out, "Well, soon-to-be. Fiance." She just looked down into her lap after that. I had to try SO HARD not to laugh. Kids say the darndest things.

Next day was Endocrinology. It's basically a specialty that deals with anything involving hormones. You see a lot of diabetes patients and people with thyroid problems. I actually enjoyed it. That day, I was frustrated with people who would not listen to the doctor. Now, I'm not saying you should just blindly follow anything a physician tells you. You shouldn't. But a VERY young person (early 20s) we saw that day REFUSED A BIOPSY of a lump in her throat because she said she was needle-phobic (even though she's had two epidurals before). Her next appointment is in three months. I do not see how a person sleeps at night knowing they might have cancer...I guess patience is a virtue I am going to have to learn, because I wanted to shake her, and I don't hear of many doctors shaking their patients.

Next two days...ER. That Thursday was interesting at least (nothing went on that Friday morning). Thursday, I worked from 3PM 'till 11PM and saw a near-drowning, a drug OD, a (catatonic) schizophrenic, and a man in a tractor accident. WHOA. I also learned that ER doctors are not on call. You would think they are, but since they are scheduled around the clock, no one ever gets called in. I actually enjoyed working at night, but I think I would feel differently if I had a family.

I will blog about this week's adventures starting tomorrow so it's not too overwhelming. Haha. But at the moment, I am scared. I'm going back to summer school in July to take Chemistry II. Chemistry is so hard for me that I won't have time for a job, and that is really awful. I can't afford to not have a job, and I even told my mother the other day that I can't stand not working. I have worked since I was 16 years old. But she and I both know that if I work and take that class at the same time, I will probably fail the class, which would be a waste of time and money. I just feel so guilty, though...I NEED to work. I can't afford not to. But I can't afford not to get into medical school in two years, either, if that's what I'm planning to do with my life. It's just a sucky situation. I'm really dreading going back to my house and getting the internet and cable turned back on...they told me they are going to charge me some kind of activation fee for a reason I don't understand, since everything is activated, I thought. I am going to ask why, but I feel like no matter what, there are people just ripping me off everywhere I go. Bills just suck. But I HAVE to pay them, and I can't get rid of them. Except for putting them in the shredder, which means they would just reappear later and be more expensive the next time.

Yes, I do need a nap.

Sleeeepy.

Wow! So, yeah. I've had an interesting three days.

Tuesday, I shadowed two cardiologists. The first one was insane and really made me laugh. I read through about a thousand heart echoes with him (OK, probably about ten.) We rounded on some patients (sorry, no details. He went in the rooms by himself. Boo!) Then, I watched him insert a heart catheter...THAT was cool, once I actually figured out what they were doing and how to interpret it on the screen. What they do is insert a wire surrounded by a sheath right by the groin into the heart and its vessels and look for blockages. You can see everything they do on a camera in this huge computer lab, which also has computers monitoring the patient's vital signs and things. Later that afternoon, I also watched another cardiologists do some caths and insert a stint, which basically opens up a blood vessel so that blood can flow through it more easily. The two cardiologists I followed were nice, but definitely a little more gruff and not as warm as the female physician I followed Monday. They also said their dictations into a phone service instead of typing them out themselves, and I have never heard so many long words come out of a person's mouth at once...and so quickly! Although it got tedious to observe, I think that I would enjoy cardiology if I were actually performing the procedures myself. It was interesting to learn about, and they seemed to get a good balance of patient interaction and performing procedures...except for the second cardiologist, who performed caths like a machine and was referred to as "the man."

Wednesday...was an interesting day. I had to be in the surgery unit at the hospital for women at 7 in the morning, and I went straight to a C-section. Whoa. It was my first time seeing an actual surgery, and I never felt sick or thought I couldn't bear to watch...but C-sections are freaking GRUESOME. The OBGYN later told me that they are the bloodiest and messiest surgeries to perform, and I could see what she meant. It seemed like it took the doctor forever just to cut through all the layers before you get to the uterus, but she finally got to the uterus and moved organs aside for a little while longer before she pulled the baby out. I have to admit, it was pretty cool seeing the baby come out. It was still grayish-colored and started crying almost immediately. I guess it's just a cool feeling to be standing in a room and another person basically just appears out of thin air...or a stomach. Whatever. I watched the baby get cleaned up and saw them make the footprints and handprints. It was so sweet. Then, the mom finally got to hold her baby, and she seemed happy, but really out of it. Then, they took the baby somewhere while she got stitched up, which took FOREVER since the doctor actually stitched her up instead of using staples. The nurses told me that it was good that she was doing that because a lot of doctors use staples out of laziness. Anyway, I saw the woman in the recovery room later and it made me sad...she was just laying there without her baby or any people around her because she was hurting so badly. She had the baby by C-section because they all thought it was going to be a ten-pound baby, but it was actually only 8 pounds and some ounces...so she technically could have had it naturally if they had known the real weight, which isn't her fault. But anyway. That experience showed me that I want to avoid having a C-section by almost any means...I know some people need it in emergencies, and that's the only way I want to give birth by C-section. The nurses also told me that the doctors usually don't let laboring go beyond a certain number of hours because they are afraid of being sued by angry parents, which makes me sick. That's honestly why I don't know if I could be a surgeon or an OBGYN...it's just too much risk.

Anyway. Wow. Lots about the C-section. I also saw a labia revision...and if you don't know what a labia is, I'm not going to tell you. Haha. But I saw one get REDUCED, and it made me hurt. I also saw a fibroid the size of a baseball be removed from a uterus. Surgery is very tedious, but I like to sew, so I was actually interested in the stitching up part of it all! Later that afternoon, I went to the NICU, and I honestly did not see much except for very tiny babies and two very tired doctors who were too busy to talk to us much.

Today, we went to the center where they perform cancer treatment. We got to see how radiation is set up and administered...it's like an assembly line of patients. Almost all of them drive up every single day for months to get a couple of minutes of treatment. It's not painful for them, but depending on the radiation site, they may have side effects later. We then went and saw how dosimetry is calculated, which was complicated and full of math. At lunch, we went to a tumor conference and learned about medulloblastoma and melanoma. I liked learning about melanoma, since it's going to be the closest I get to seeing something about dermatology this month. There was also this doctor sitting behind me who sounded like Bill Lumbergh from Office Space, and it amused me. That afternoon, we saw where they give chemotherapy, which was a little depressing. The bays they sit in are so small, and some of the people in there looked like they were my age. I also saw a pain pump in someone's stomach get refilled. So far, I wasn't very interested in oncology. I know the doctors interact with patients sometimes, but I didn't see any of that today, so it didn't help me become too interested in oncology at this particular time.

Outpatient surgery tomorrow at 7.

Day One.

Well, before I talk about my first day at work, I must say that the show, "Master of Dance," really is everything I thought it would be. I know I'm such a dork, but I've really been looking forward to this show. Laughs for everyone. I love watching people having FUN dancing. I aspire to be like Tiffany from the first episode! Ha.

Anyway! So, I woke up WAY too early this morning. Just nerves, I guess. But I got the parking garage pretty easily and went up to the room where had orientation and talked to some other participants. There are eight of us, and everyone seems really nice and cool so far. Most everyone is from Ole Miss, though. Hardly anyone is representing MSU! Oh, well.

We are all split into three groups, even though people in the same group don't always do the same thing. This morning all we did was orientation, which was pretty boring, as those things usually are. We DID watch this weird hospital safety cartoon starring a mouse nurse with a mouse friend who contracted HIV from a hospital needle. But we also got our pictures made for our badges (I felt like I was in high school again, and the dorkiness totally showed on my face) and we got our lab coats, which look cool and intimidating but are pretty hot and itchy. Then, we toured the hospital and several sites away from the hospital. The hospital is SO huge, and I kept getting lost...but at least everyone else did, too. We got to eat lunch in the physician's lounge, too. Most importantly, we have to flash our badges at this little thing to make the doors to it open, which makes us look like we're actually important. But anyway. The physician's lounge was pretty neat. Some nice doctor actually talked to us and didn't look annoyed by all of us young 'uns, and there's a nice TV in there. We also can eat in there FOR FREE, and today, they had a salad bar with three kinds of salad, stuffed crab, chicken cordon bleu, roasted potatoes, corn, all kinds of soft drinks, frozen yogurt, and cereal. Sweeeet.

After eating lunch and spending twenty minutes trying to find my car, the other guy in my group and I headed over to the internal medicine clinic to spend our first afternoon with actual doctors. I got to follow this awesome female internal medicine specialist around for almost four hours, and it was pretty amazing. We saw five or six patients, and even though I saw no crazy cases, it was still interesting. Diabetes, sleep apnea, pap smear, pericarditis, medication adjustments, tests ordered...that's pretty much what I saw today. Also, I watched the doctor do a lot of charting, and I never realized how much that takes up of a doctor's day. She had to spend more time charting than seeing patients, which she told me no doctor enjoys. She also spent a lot of time just talking to me and answering my questions, which was helpful because she's a female physician with a family, which is what I hope to be one day. She only works three days a week right now while her child is so small, and that's something I'd like to consider when I have children, especially very young ones. Anyway, if I end up wanting to specialize in cardiology, I will have to complete a three-year internal medicine residency first, and I realized today that I think I would enjoy internal medicine. I think I would enjoy treating a wide range of problems for at least that long, even though I would miss never treating children.

I would write more, but I am incredibly tired. I plan on getting more sleep tonight...less nerves. Tomorrow, I'm spending the day in the cardiology unit and the cardiac cath lab. YAY! Going to watch Jon & Kate plus 8 now...it's new tonight! I know you care a LOT, right? That's what I thought.

What's a title?

I did not sleep in. Instead, I woke up to Fox News blaring and a puppy pawing at my foot. After that, I helped myself to a bowl of Lucky Charms and tried to enjoy some Paula Deen on TV. My relatives were supposedly at Wal-Mart during this time.

I just got back from riding around my new town, trying to figure out where the employee entrance to the hospital was and seeing if I could manage to get to the road where the mall is from the hospital. I did it. I also stopped at Wal-Mart to get concealer, since my eyelid is burned from getting my brows waxed Friday. Sigh. I have had wax dripped in my hair, eyelid burned, eyelid cut with trimming scissors, eyelid irritated from additional tweezing after said waxing. Oh, well. If I didn't get my brows waxed so often, I really would look like a jungle woman.

When I was riding around today, I tried to listen to some CDs today that had a lot of significant memories attached. I'm trying to replace those memories with new ones. Does that ever really work? I hope so.

One of my best friends that I stayed with this weekend recommended that I listen to the song "Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley. I'm glad she did. I usually hate when people link or post song lyrics, but I'm doing it anyway. I think most everyone could relate.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rilokiley/breakinup.html

But I think I'll go now and try to do something productive. Hopefully, tomorrow I will have something interesting to say since I start my job then! I'm pretty excited.

I'll leave you with a picture of the Rachael Ray recipe I'm craving today...Audacious, Herbaceous Beef Burgers. I swear, Rachael Ray is such a nerd.

Moving forward.

So, here I am.

Currently, I'm living at my great-aunt's house, waiting to start my new job as a physician shadower on Monday.

For the next three weeks, I will be following around physicians in various specialties, such as surgery, cardiology, gynecology and obstetrics, and radiology. I was also told that I would be spending several weekend nights hanging around the ER. THAT will be crazy. I am interested to see what kinds of unique cases will come through, but then again, emergency room medicine is pretty much on the bottom of my list of preferred specialties.

Anyway, during the week, I will be working from 8 AM 'til 4:30 PM and will be expected to wear an oh-so-stylish uniform of collared shirts, khakis, tennis shoes, and...MY VERY OWN LAB COAT. Can you tell I'm excited about that? Now, if only we could wear scrubs...and if I weren't so poor, maybe I could have bought those silver and white mesh Nikes in some random shoe store that I pointed out to my mom as "doctor shoes."



However, I am currently storing all of my clothes, neatly arranged on a hanging rack, in my car. I am sleeping on the couch here at my great-aunt's, and have no room of my own. I was also pretty nervous about living here in the first place, considering this is the first time I've really met her. When I first arrived today, I was my typical, socially-awkward self and was having trouble holding conversations with the random assortment of my aunt and uncle's children and grandchildren flitting in and out of the house. After a few hours, though, things definitely got less tense for me and I was talking easily to people AND eating one of my favorite dinners they graciously cooked for me...cheeseburgers and fries with ranch. I don't think it will be so bad here.

In other news, one of my best friends is getting married in July and I went to a bridal shower of hers today. I love bridal showers. I love the food, checking out everyone's pretty outfits/shoes, seeing how happy the bride is when she opens up kitchen item after kitchen item...and today, I won the bridal shower game and got a $25 Wal-Mart gift card. How much does that rule? I'm thinking of writing the hostess a thank-you note just for providing my broke self with some extra grocery money. Also, I'm just so happy for my almost-married friend. After going through some pretty rough times in life and love, she's found someone that loves her insanely and would never leave her and vice versa. It gives me hope that I will find a similar thing one day. I know it's out there, but I don't have the strength to find it right now. However, I know that it will come with time...and that one day, I will be receving breadmakers and salad spinners and looking glowy at my own bridal shower. And even better, I will know that I am marrying the right person for me...or one of the right people for me, anyway. I believe there are several people in the world for everyone...not that I advocate leaving one for another. Ha. I'm a pretty big fan of monogamy, and committment, for that matter.

I'm off to do a little reading and watch TV from my place on the sofa-bed. It's my last day to sleep late before work on Monday, and I plan to make the most of it.