Apologies.

Wow. I haven't written in this in a while. That's probably why I'm writing now...guilt. Ha. Well, I do enjoy writing, though. I suppose I could say I just haven't had the time to write, which is partly true...however, I'm mainly having trouble to figure out what to write about now that I don't have a particular subject in mind (such as physician shadowing.)

When I was in high school, I didn't really have any qualms about writing in my online journal about the people in my life or the things they did or the things I did. But now...I feel like it would cause so much drama. I know that I should have just started this blog anonymously and never showed it to any of my friends, but I really wanted everyone to know what was going on...at least for that month. And I don't really want to be some nameless, faceless person writing for strangers. I enjoy writing for my friends. However...the stuff I enjoy writing about (the personal stuff) is too murky at the moment to share online. So...where to begin? I suppose I could just give a general overview of some surface things, no matter how boring that may be.

I've started school again. I'm taking Organic Chemistry I, General Physics I, Microbiology, and Introduction to Religion (which happens to be one of the last TWO classes I need to graduate. Yay!) I'm finding it hard to motivate myself for various reasons. I never get enough sleep. I find every other little thing to do instead of completely devoting myself to these terrible, terrible classes. So far, Organic Chemistry is my hardest class, of course. But I have a class at eight EVERY morning, which sucks. I'm also still working in the forensic lab as a research assistant, working at Barnes and Noble, still in Alumni Delegates, and I'm going to be taking a cake decorating class every Monday for maybe eight weeks. I know that I want to be a physician, but at the moment, I wish I was just done with school. I find myself wishing for a job that I could somewhat enjoy during the day, but come home and forget about at night. I wish that some time was just...mine. That I didn't always feel guilty about something I wasn't doing. And I just wish I had money for some fun things...like traveling. I haven't gone anywhere fun in a while, and it's been too long since I've gotten a new pair of shoes. Sigh. Don't judge me!

I am ready to be gone next year...hopefully to Memphis. But I still wish that my last year here could be a good one. I wish that I could make it something special. But I just don't have a lot of friends here anymore, and the ones I do have are very busy, too. We're all busy. But I'm just too shy/jaded to really try and make a lot of new friends. I just want a few fun friends that I can count on. I already have some. I know I'm actually very lucky to have the people in my life that are there. I just don't ever want to be fake just to try and appeal to everyone. I find that MOST people who everyone seems to like can be pretty fake and change their personality to fit the person they're talking to. I can't do that. Although, I suppose some people make me FEEL a certain way and I may act differently based on that...but doesn't everyone do that?

I just want to be the person that I am...or could be? I want to go out and have a good time, but money/time restraints hold me down sometimes. Or the fact that I can be shy. I want to spend time on things I like to do, but I don't have the greatest time management skills and I never get around to things. I want to meet new people, but we've already discussed this.

I just want to be better. For the past four months, I have gradually worked my way up to being...just OK. Now, I'm ready to be happy again.