Wishes.

I wish that life were a little bit easier. I know, I know. It never will be. Why wish? Well...it feels good to escape sometimes.

I wish that, in general, it were easier for people to get along. And I definitely include myself among the aforementioned "people." In general, it is hard for me to really like people. I can tolerate many of them (barely), but I choose not to be friends with the vast majority of people that I meet. It's honestly very saddening to me. For so long, I have thought that most people in the world just don't "get it" like my friends and I do. Many times, I thought these people had nothing to offer me intellectually or socially. God. I know I sound so awful and egotistical right now, but I'm really not. I think that most people do have something to offer another person/people...but I'm either too lazy or too scared to pursue those things in the form of a new friend. First of all, I think that sometimes I may just be too wrapped up in my own life to pursue a new friendship...I have a pet, a job, school, extracurricular activities, a boyfriend, friends, medical schools to apply to, etc. I suppose I sometimes feel that I already don't keep up with the friends I have well enough to pursue new friendships. Crazy, huh?

Also, I feel that I've been burned too many times when trying to reach out to other people or start a new friendship. Let's face it. I often say the wrong thing, I have different beliefs than many people in the South, I'm awkward, I know that I give off a "weirdo" vibe at times. It's just not terribly easy for me to make friends...but I have genuinely tried to before. However, many people just don't gravitate to me. They seem uneasy around me, and are sometimes just downright rude to me. That can really hurt sometimes. It's just strange to me. The people that I meet that I do click with...our friendship feels very easy and natural quickly. It's also such a random occurrence. I never know who it will be or why it happens...it doesn't happen much, but when it does, it's a pretty cool feeling. This has happened to me with people who are polar opposites of me and people who are just like me...I just wish it would happen more often.

And I suppose some people really do love conflict...but I don't. I really, really don't. I don't have any issues with confrontations, usually, because I feel that unresolved tensions feel worse than solving the conflict itself. However, I just wish that I were a more neutral person. I would be perfectly fine if I only had a few close friends and everyone else just simply didn't have a problem with me...if I could just be. But it's not that way. Being myself is more important to me than having everyone like me...but come on. When you know someone dislikes you, it hurts! It hurts me, anyway. I could think of several reasons someone might dislike me...my opinions, some random action I've committed in my life that I never knew hurt someone, some random action I've committed in my life that I knew would hurt someone, someone I associate with that someone else doesn't like, my disposition/nature. I would say that I don't know why we can't just all get along and accept everything about everyone, but that would be hypocritical of me, since I know that I often have problems with other people, as well. I just wish it weren't so. I wish that some of the closest friendships in my life hadn't ended in vicious feuds that eventually faded to simmering, tension-filled cold wars. I wish that I didn't make so many people angry. Maybe if all that hadn't happened, I would be more open to friendships. But it's scary sometimes to think that could happen to me again...that I could be hurt so badly by a friend that I thought loved me...I know I've hurt people, too, though. I wish I were easier to get along with, but I wish other people were, too.

I often say that most people in the world who everyone seems to like must be fake. I really do believe that...we're just all so different. I just don't see how someone who is universally liked can be such a way unless they conform to the people they're with at the moment for the sake of being more universally liked...or is there really a type of person no one can hate? If so, what characteristics would that person have to possess? Hmmm. I guess it's something I could think about.

Yeah, yeah. I think everyone gets the gist that I wish I weren't such a tool sometimes, had more friends, never had conflicts, blah, blah, blah...but what about the friends I do have? We're all growing up and moving further and further away from each other and it's scary. One of my best friends is about to move to Kentucky, one is getting married...but I'm least I'll still be living with another best friend next year. Some best friends I wish I kept in touch with more, and wrote them letters on pretty stationery. I wish I had enough money and time to visit my friends in other towns. I wish I could have dinner with them, talk to them about their life, just hang out with them.

Sigh. I feel a little better. Maybe some things will actually get better now. You never know.

Too short.

I finally finished reading Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist today! I started on it months ago, but I never got around to finishing it. I really enjoyed it. Sure, some of it was a bit too...much, but I still found it a captivating read. And when I say it was a bit too much, I mean that in the way that I meant it when I watched Juno for the first time: I loved the movie, but when Olivia Thirlby's character said, "Honest to blog?!" I seriously wanted to hurl. But I thought Nick and Norah was an amusing, light-hearted (well, for teens that take themselves so very seriously) escapist read, so yes, I do recommend it!

It's funny that I'm so proud of myself for finishing a book, something I used to have no problem doing many times a year. Now, I keep myself so busy "trying science" that I feel that I never have time to focus on any other areas, like reading, writing, learning about history and psychology, etc. I feel like my old talents in those areas may be slipping away from me in pursuit of medical school, and I don't like it. Maybe I'll find some way to achieve more balance.

However, at the moment, I need to get ready for work so I can be an awesome sandwich cashier and save up money to pay my bills, pay off my debt, and finally buy an acoustic guitar and some saffron.

Veils

I know this may seem a bit strange that I'm saying this via blog, but I find it quite funny that some people feel so powerful behind a screen of anonymity (an pre-medical internet forum) that they use various thread postings to act tough, knowledgable, and condescending...and I would love to meet some of these people, just to see if they really are such tools in all aspects of life or if it is just an identity they've created that more closely resembles the truly confident person they wish they were.

I'm thinking the latter.

I'm looking forward to medical school, but not looking forward to meeting some of the people that are going be there. Some of the people on that site (which I still love and visit every day) are the most neurotic, rude, unpersonable, and just plain STRANGE people I have ever seen.

Anyway. I spent two hours as a sandwich artist tonight. Hope the customers enjoyed them! I go back to work on Wednesday.

Bulldog Deli

I'm about to go to work in thirty minutes. Starting a new job is such a strange experience. Everything starts out so new and fresh, but now that I've had so many jobs in such a short lifetime, the dread that comes along with going to work starts earlier. I used to be excited to show up for my first day of work. I would dress nicely and get there early. Today, I have on my required employee T-shirt and jeans. I fixed my hair, but I know I have to pull it into a ponytail anyway because I'm working in the kitchen tonight. I train for the cash register/server position later.

I think I will like working in the kitchen, though. Less time spent dealing with unruly customers. And I actually enjoy cooking! It's therapeutic to me. I especially love to make food look pretty. Maybe I will spend more time being in the kitchen than being a server. I LOVE the food, too. I usually get addicted to the food at any place I work, though. TCBY, Shoney's, Spencer's, Barnes & Noble, etc. Never fails!

I tried unsuccessfully to study for the MCAT today, too, but I can't think today! Maybe in a few weeks I can start studying for it. I have an organic chemistry test tomorrow, so right after work, I'm going to a study group for that. The rest of the week will be spent studying for physics and literature tests next week. Why am I studying now? Because my birthday is this weekend and I don't want to spend it studying! :)

Gotta go make that money now. Think of me and mentally wish me some luck!

Changes.

Wow! Life is so different today than the last time I updated. I am completing my last "real" semester at the moment, and I will be graduating in May. However, I still have both sessions of summer school and one or two classes in the fall to tackle. Academically, it's going to be a long year. However, I'm so much more prepared for it now than I have been in the past.

I have found that I have had to COMPLETELY change the way I learn now that I take mostly science courses. I have always taken large amounts of history, literature, psychology, sociology, and other humanity and social-science courses, but until deciding on medical school, I avoided science courses. When I studied for and completed assignments for the humanities classes, I had a certain routine to follow. While I wouldn't say that all of my humanities classes were just SO easy, the knowledge came naturally to me and I thought much more abstractly. Unfortunately, I carried that thinking pattern into my science courses, and I did poorly in some of them. However, even while doing poorly in those classes in terms of grades, I learned how to think about science and how to study for it! I learned what I did wrong and now I think I'm doing it right. I have studied hours for my upcoming organic chemistry test on Tuesday, and I feel confident in the material. I no longer procrastinate NEARLY as much because I know how miserable it makes me and how much it affects my grades. I actually practice problems and write questions down now. I am shooting for a 4.0 this semester. I owe it to myself.

Speaking of grades, I am applying to medical school this year for the fall of 2010. My top choices are William Carey University College of Medicine (Hattiesburg, MS), UMC (Jackson, MS), Lake Erie College of Medicine (Bradenton, FL), and Lincoln Memorial University - Debusk College of Medicine (Harrogate, TN), but I am applying to more than that. I am taking the MCAT in the fall, and I hope to have a full-time job then and take at least one more science class. I will also be living with one of my very best friends (Katie!)...one of my very best friends and current roommate (Megan) is getting married and will be moving a few miles away this year with her husband! She has asked me to be one of her maids of honor, and I am so thrilled! I love her and I love weddings =) One of our other friends is also getting married on Valentine's Day.

I will also be starting a new job tomorrow at a local sandwich shop in town. I hope I like it! I don't want to fall behind on all of my schoolwork, but I really need this job. I hope I can balance everything.

Anyway, sorry for not updating in forever and having to rush to fill everyone in. I hope to update this more frequently so I can share more details about everything. Also, I turn 22 on Saturday. Kyle and I are having dinner with both sides of my family throughout the weekend AND he's taking me to...The Melting Pot! My favorite restaurant! I will be sure to write soon, as I think it will be a great weekend.