Wishes.

I wish that life were a little bit easier. I know, I know. It never will be. Why wish? Well...it feels good to escape sometimes.

I wish that, in general, it were easier for people to get along. And I definitely include myself among the aforementioned "people." In general, it is hard for me to really like people. I can tolerate many of them (barely), but I choose not to be friends with the vast majority of people that I meet. It's honestly very saddening to me. For so long, I have thought that most people in the world just don't "get it" like my friends and I do. Many times, I thought these people had nothing to offer me intellectually or socially. God. I know I sound so awful and egotistical right now, but I'm really not. I think that most people do have something to offer another person/people...but I'm either too lazy or too scared to pursue those things in the form of a new friend. First of all, I think that sometimes I may just be too wrapped up in my own life to pursue a new friendship...I have a pet, a job, school, extracurricular activities, a boyfriend, friends, medical schools to apply to, etc. I suppose I sometimes feel that I already don't keep up with the friends I have well enough to pursue new friendships. Crazy, huh?

Also, I feel that I've been burned too many times when trying to reach out to other people or start a new friendship. Let's face it. I often say the wrong thing, I have different beliefs than many people in the South, I'm awkward, I know that I give off a "weirdo" vibe at times. It's just not terribly easy for me to make friends...but I have genuinely tried to before. However, many people just don't gravitate to me. They seem uneasy around me, and are sometimes just downright rude to me. That can really hurt sometimes. It's just strange to me. The people that I meet that I do click with...our friendship feels very easy and natural quickly. It's also such a random occurrence. I never know who it will be or why it happens...it doesn't happen much, but when it does, it's a pretty cool feeling. This has happened to me with people who are polar opposites of me and people who are just like me...I just wish it would happen more often.

And I suppose some people really do love conflict...but I don't. I really, really don't. I don't have any issues with confrontations, usually, because I feel that unresolved tensions feel worse than solving the conflict itself. However, I just wish that I were a more neutral person. I would be perfectly fine if I only had a few close friends and everyone else just simply didn't have a problem with me...if I could just be. But it's not that way. Being myself is more important to me than having everyone like me...but come on. When you know someone dislikes you, it hurts! It hurts me, anyway. I could think of several reasons someone might dislike me...my opinions, some random action I've committed in my life that I never knew hurt someone, some random action I've committed in my life that I knew would hurt someone, someone I associate with that someone else doesn't like, my disposition/nature. I would say that I don't know why we can't just all get along and accept everything about everyone, but that would be hypocritical of me, since I know that I often have problems with other people, as well. I just wish it weren't so. I wish that some of the closest friendships in my life hadn't ended in vicious feuds that eventually faded to simmering, tension-filled cold wars. I wish that I didn't make so many people angry. Maybe if all that hadn't happened, I would be more open to friendships. But it's scary sometimes to think that could happen to me again...that I could be hurt so badly by a friend that I thought loved me...I know I've hurt people, too, though. I wish I were easier to get along with, but I wish other people were, too.

I often say that most people in the world who everyone seems to like must be fake. I really do believe that...we're just all so different. I just don't see how someone who is universally liked can be such a way unless they conform to the people they're with at the moment for the sake of being more universally liked...or is there really a type of person no one can hate? If so, what characteristics would that person have to possess? Hmmm. I guess it's something I could think about.

Yeah, yeah. I think everyone gets the gist that I wish I weren't such a tool sometimes, had more friends, never had conflicts, blah, blah, blah...but what about the friends I do have? We're all growing up and moving further and further away from each other and it's scary. One of my best friends is about to move to Kentucky, one is getting married...but I'm least I'll still be living with another best friend next year. Some best friends I wish I kept in touch with more, and wrote them letters on pretty stationery. I wish I had enough money and time to visit my friends in other towns. I wish I could have dinner with them, talk to them about their life, just hang out with them.

Sigh. I feel a little better. Maybe some things will actually get better now. You never know.